Rob Oxford: How old is too old?

Not a big fan of horror in general... but fingers and
beetles are good for breakfast .. if they're bananas
and raisins on cinnamon buns

Text and Photos by Rob Oxford

The Cobwebs were strung by the chimney with care and the vampire bats hung high in the air... wait a minute, that's not right? I think I'm getting my poems mixed up. 

Despite the fact that Christmas decorations are already on some store shelves, it's HALLOWEEN!

I confess Halloween has never been my favorite celebration.

Maybe it's because for 25 years or so, I spent most Halloween Nights at a radio station playing Bobby Boris Pickett's "Monster Mash" or "I Put A Spell On You" by Screamin' Jay Hawkins every 90 minutes. Both great songs mind you, but... every 90 minutes?

I'm also not a big fan of horror in general, costume parties or being unnecessarily scared. Honestly, nothing scares me more than going to a party on Halloween Night only to find someone else is wearing a more elaborate Elvis or Dracula costume than the one you presently have on.

Oh the horror!

The truth is, even as a young adult I got much more satisfaction from handing out candy to the little ghouls and goblins who came calling, than I did traipsing around all night with a mask on my face. The Fairy Princesses and Firemen, Witches and Werewolves, Monsters and Martians, each as cute as the one before.

I prefer to settle in with my wife and watch one of the numerous scary movies available on the television. Why, if I don't like being unnecessarily scared will I purposely watch a scary movie?

Because I've seen them dozens and dozens of times in the past. I know exactly when Jason is going to pop up from behind the couch after having a sewing needle jabbed in his neck and attack 10 more people. Regardless of how many times you've seen the classics like "Carrie," "Child's Play," or "A Nightmare On Elm Street," watching a scary movie on Halloween just seems appropriate.

No tricks here - only treats

Unfortunately, right before a scary part, the doorbell will ring and my wife and I will briefly argue as to whose turn it is to answer?

I will then grab the bowl of candy, open the door expecting to see a cute little ladybug or bumblebee and instead standing on my porch is a "Trick or Treater" who looks old enough to have been my college roommate.

"Trick or Treat" he says, in a voice as deep as the great Lou Rawls. Dressed in an oversize sport coat and a fedora I ask, "What are you dressed as?" ..."I'm a Salesman," he says with a toothy grin.... clever.

Reluctantly I drop a Snickers bar in his pillow case. He immediately looks up as if to say "Is that all?" I then sheepishly drop in two or three more and without so much as a "thank you" he turns and runs through my flower bed laughing hysterically. Out into the street he meets up with his cohorts and in a wisp of smoke (most likely from vaping) they mysteriously vanish into the black of night. Closing the door behind me I can't help but feel a little like a lollipop... a real sucker!

Robbie (Anakin Skywalker) and Taylor (Ghoul)

But what are you gonna do? I'm certainly not the arbiter of such things. My son was 6'2 and in 8th grade the last time he went trick or treating. 

However, one must seriously consider whether or not to turn away those you deem "too old" to be ringing your doorbell on Halloween and, let's be frank, some kids are too old.

The reality is, Lou Rawls just might resent not getting a "treat" and resort to playing a "trick". 

I don't know when the last you had to power wash eggs off the side of your house or how many trees you have in your yard begging to be toilet papered, but in my opinion it's far better to stock up on the candy when it goes on sale October 30th.

By the way... the Johnsons down the street give out the full size Milky Ways. Just in case you were wondering.