By Pam Queen, reunited adoptee and adoptive parent
For an adoptee, OBC translates to Original Birth Certificate. Since July 1, 2014 the State of Washington has received approximately 2400 requests and issued over 2200 OBCs to adoptees 18 or over who were born in the State. For those adults adopted in Washington but born in another State, you are at the mercy of the State’s laws where you were born.
WARM (Washington Adoption Reunion Movement) has had many adoptees inquiring what to do now since they have received their OBC. Some adoptees eagerly started scouring the Internet for clues about their birth Moms. Some searches resulted in locating the birth Mom, others ran into the proverbial brick-wall, and the final group decided they didn’t want to search at all and called WARM.
Oh, yes, the 4th group decided just to enjoy having that very special piece of paper.
Not to be negative, but today we are first going to discuss what NOT to do as the ramifications are huge and detrimental to an adoptee in search.
- Do NOT post anything about your adoption on ANY social media. Nothing, nada, zero, zilch. If you have already sinned, take off ALL postings, NOW. Any social media posting violates the privacy of your birth Mom and could seriously impair a successful reunion.
- Do NOT call your birth Mom’s relatives telling them about your adoption and asking for your birth Mom’s current name, address, phone number. Reason? See above.
- Do Not call your birth Mom’s friends, former or current neighbors, etc., disclosing the adoption and asking for the same information as above. Reason? See the first no-no.
Some adoptees and their family members have already made these grievous errors. We understand your enthusiasm, but in searching for birth family contemplate your actions first before executing any plans.
There is nothing wrong with making discreet inquiries but if you do not have a comfort zone of making discreet contacts, don’t do it. Find someone who is qualified and has a lot of experience in handling sensitive issues.
On the positive side, a gentleman received his OBC which showed his birth Mom had an unusual last name at the time he was born. He searched the Internet and found her. Genealogy was his sensitive and non-threatening ruse. He initially talked about how he thought they were related and gave her some clues. After a few minutes she said, “I’ve waited 62 years for you”.
As a reminder, the OBCs normally will not name a birth Father. The birth Father information might be contained in the sealed file with the Superior Court of jurisdiction and/or with the adoption agency involved with the initial adoption work. A qualified intermediary can receive sealed records via court order. She/he performs the search, makes discreet inquiries, and obtains written consent.
Are you willing to risk a birth Mom refusal because you violated her privacy?
Thank you for reminding us that privacy needs to be respected. When one's origin has been withheld for a lifetime, it is easy to forget that those who gave you away may have suffered, too. This is an emotionally complex issue for all involved. But all adoptees need be emotionally prepared to risk refusal even if privacy is respected. Being respectful is no guarantee you will be welcomed into the fold. The culture of shame still runs very deep.
ReplyDeleteI am not sure of where this is coming from. I have never spent a day wishing my privacy be ensured, in fact I have been violated by this concept. Deceit has protected the industry that took my child and served the adopting couple that took my child and hid her from me. I am in my daughter's debt for her courage to find me. It is now my challenge to respect her and her privacy. I can tell you this is so hard as I have never wished to be separated from her.
ReplyDelete