Roy's Garden: Are you more fearful of zombies or weeds?

The Zombie Weeds are on the march
Photo by K Carpp

By Roy Mangel

Elements of Nature

Zombies are now becoming all the rage. More than few members of our population have a fear of our world being overtaken by a zombie apocalypse. I guess you could attribute this phenomenon to the many movies sporting the creatures that just refuse to die that have become sensations with a large cross-section of our population. 

I don’t subscribe to the zombie beliefs but in gardening circles I come in contact with many people who have similar fears of weeds overtaking their precious gardens. 

Close up of a Zombie Weed
Photo by Roy Mangel 

No matter what they do they just can’t kill them. They try beheading with garden trowels, evisceration via weed whackers, chemical warfare “Too much collateral damage,” Then they come to me and ask for the Nuclear Option, stating that, “I think our only choice is to start over.” In many cases they are on the right path if they are not in for a battle. After your garden is overtaken by the undead it is a long, painful, and strategic process to regain control of your garden.

If you are hardheaded enough and don’t want to nuke all your plants with Roundup, “Like any gardener worth his or her salt,” there are ways to take care of many of your weeds with a Three Year Plan. You need to be a warrior, live by steadfast rules, and be driven towards reversing the garden apocalypse.

Zombies can take many forms
Photo by Roy Mangel

Rule number one; identify why you have a weed problem. More often than not, your soil is disturbed by your constant summer skirmishes and periodic weed pulling. You most likely do not have a decent layer of mulch to counteract your weeds and their method of dispersion. Most of your weeds are very good at casting their vile progeny across your yard. Multitudes of seeds lie in wait until next summer in hope to rise from the grave and multiply one hundred times over and start the cycle of taking over the world. They are stronger than your weak and pathetic shrubs and perennials. They don’t need much water or food. Those Zombie weeds only need an open patch of sunny, dry, disturbed soil and they flourish, sometimes choking out your plants of choice and overtaking their root systems. 

You can amend your soil and mulch to provide your plants with enough moisture to compete. This also can help lower the available nutrients in the surface layers where your weed seeds mature. Other advantages of mulch include: erosion control, and reducing access to light. Composting microbes temporarily starve the interface layer where weeds geminate from available nitrogen. A good mix of composted mulch can also act to inoculate your soil with mycorrhizal fungi. Plants that have mycorrhizal root relationships grow faster and will be more apt to put up a fight of their own against unwanted zombie invasions.

Rule number two; Vertical Diversity is key to winning a battle with the undead. The most tenacious weeds like sun and lots of it. Starve them of their life’s blood by providing shade. Large shrubs and trees provide the necessary shade to bring your unwanted guest down to speed. Once you master Vertical Diversity you are on your way toward shifting the tides of your embattled garden. Trees and large shrubs will outcompete most of your standard weeds' light and nutrient resources if you have healthy soil. Your large plants will also physically take up the space and crowd out the young, upcoming progeny that last year’s hordes spread throughout your garden.

This Zombie Army will soon go to seed
and create new zombies to march on your garden
Photo by K Carpp

Rule number three; Remove as many as possible of the unwanted green menace in the early spring before the seed pods mature. You have already done a good job of amending your soil and blocking out the needed resources that many of your weeds require to take over your garden world. Now it is your turn to get physical. I know it is hard. Your vitamin D starved body is not motivated yet to get out there in the rainy early spring and properly uproot those tenacious creatures, but the time is now. If you don’t act early, you have most certainly postponed your victory for another year. Weeds, like all other creatures on earth, define success by reproduction. Once they cast their seeds, they have won. Many of them need your help. They are waiting for you to pull them up, disturbing them just enough to for their seed-casting methods to go into full effect. 

I find some of them utterly fascinating. We are all very aware of how the crafty Dandy lions entice our children into blowing them all over our yards while making a wish, although most of us don’t notice the unfurling spiral pods propelling their dormant young up to 6 feet in all directions. Or those sticky seeds that catch onto your clothes and release as you brush up on your bushes during your hasty late weeding frenzy.  The most ruthless of all the dispersal methods is by animal. You may think - yay! the birds are out there picking up all those unwanted seeds as they forage through your garden. Unfortunately, the seeds from your neighbor’s yard are coming out the other end in a fancy pre-fertilized package.

Rule number four; outsmart your weeds. They are not the only ones who can be crafty. We have opposable thumbs for heavens sake. Mobilize, talk to your neighbors, and have a mutually beneficial weeding party. Their weeds are your weeds, so maybe if you help them with their battle they will return the favor. There are many other organic options for getting the better of your zombie weed problems.  Just to name a few, Corn Gluten, Vinegar, Clove oil organic herbicide, Scalding water, and Garden Torches. And yes, the Garden torches are most likely effective on Zombies as well.  (Please properly identify that you are dealing with a real Zombie before resorting to use of a garden torch.)

Who will win the battle?
Photo from Photobucket

Zombie weed hunting is not for everyone. Follow the before mentioned guidelines. Not only will you win the battle but you will be protecting the health of everyone around you. Be steadfast and have a positive long term outlook. 

Word on the street is that the chemicals used in our most common herbicides are the reason our zombie weeds are so resilient.  Use all your tools wisely and if you are not up to the challenge then definitely hire an organic minded professional to avoid the creation of future populations of super zombie weeds.